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care discussions are to communicate to your elder your concern that he or she needs care, to discuss alternative living arrangements, to plan for an emergency or cri sis, and to plan for Advanced Directives. What follows is an overview of some important pointers that can help us communicate with our elders in an effective way. EDUCATE YOURSELF FIRST. Before start ing a conversation, have some knowledge regarding options, resources, and community services. This will help you to present to your elders a realistic and accu rate plan of how you can improve the quality of their lives. SELECT A QUIET PLACE TO TALK. Ar range the best place and time to talk, free of interrup tions. Recognize that although you may be ready to discuss eldercare, your parent may not want to talk and prepare yourself for dealing with resistance. ESTABLISH TRUST. Be mindful that every conversation with elders can lead to a struggle for in dependence. Therefore, to instill trust, try to assure them that your motive is not to “take away” but to of fer assistance for their benefit and for the benefit of the entire family. This can be accomplished by being pa tient, by not rushing, and by asking questions. Always give your elders your full attention, and take time to listen to their feelings. Your goal is to relate rather than manipulate. SPEAK IN TERMS OF QUESTIONS NOT ANSWERS. Your attempt to help may be seen as a threat. One way to gain trust is to ask questions in a non-intrusive way. For example, “I know that you have always managed to balance your checkbook and pay your bills. Is there anything that I can do to help?” or “ I really worry about your safety when you are driving. Can we help?” You may be concerned about a parent’s health and feel that he or she needs home care. When you broach these subjects, you will very likely be met with a reply such as “I don’t want to be a burden” or “I can manage on my own.” These responses stem from a true belief that this is the case. It is up to you to guide an older relative to a more realistic view of things. This must be done carefully. DON’T ACCUSE. We need to be aware that our elder is dealing with loss and the fear of losing control of his or her life. The most effective way of gaining an elder’s trust is to focus on what he or she can_ do, rather on what he or she cannot do. Always convey your belief in his or her ability to make posi tive changes. For example, if you are proposing to hire a housekeeper for your elder, begin by acknowledging his or her abilities. Say, for example, “I know that you have always kept a neat home. I realize how difficult it must be for you with your arthritis. Is there anything I can do to help?” If your elder then says that everything is fine or asks to change the subject, do not force the issue. Do not give up, but try again in a week or two, using a different approach. Encourage conversation and probe for new facts by asking, “There’s something you’d like to talk about, isn’t there? Please tell me.” RESIST THE URGE TO TAKE OVER. When faced with a parent’s failing health, our first instinct is to “drop everything” and to take over. You realize that your parent is no longer able to live alone and your urge is to protect and shelter. But preserving our parents’ autonomy is an important tactic in helping them to accept help. When they feel that they are los ing their inherent right to be in charge of their lives, they will resist your offers of help and your advice, and will make their own plans. They need constant reassurance that they are in control. This will restore their sense of power and dignity. NEGOTIATE. If you try to impose your will on your parents, it could destroy the communication process. Thus, you need to focus on enabling them to feel they are making their own choices and are ac countable for those choices. You need to make them feel comfortable in accepting help from others. For example, Grandma is lip reading yet she refuses to consider a hearing aid. You are trying to convince her to seek medical help, but she is denying that there is anything wrong, so you and your elder are having trouble agreeing. It is time to begin negotiating in a way that shows that you respect her feelings. Explore with her what she can do safely, for how long. Show that you respect her opinion and make a commitment to re-discuss the matter in a few weeks. GIVE ELDERS THE POWER TO CHOOSE. It is important to remember that our elders have their own personalities and their own needs. Imposing our will on them can lead to resistance and a diminished sense of self-esteem. Ask them what they would pre fer. “Mom, do you want the home attendant to come in the morning or afternoon?” Which senior center do you prefer?” Try to avoid direct questions like “Why don’t you go to the senior center today?” which will communicate to her that you are trying to control her activities. VALIDATE FEELINGS. When an elder ex presses anger or frustration at a situation it is beneficial to validate his or her feelings by listening, or with a gesture or a hug. To diffuse anxiety, you might say, “This has been hard for you, hasn’t it, Mom?” Validat ing does not mean you agree with what is being said, it simply means you understand what your loved one is experiencing. If all of your efforts have failed to result in successful dialogue, you may have to step back and decide on whether you are the right person for the job. Видання C оюзу Українок A мерики - перевидано в електронному форматі в 2012 році . A рхів C У A - Ню Йорк , Н . Й . C Ш A.
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